I’m so angry at my GP right now.
My current councellor has suggested I go to my GP for a bipolar assesment as my mood swings have been very extreme this year. This is the 5th person who has suggested bipolar to me in the past few years and I’ve only recently been taking this suggestion seriously. I went to my GP for depression a few months ago – I couldnt seem to get out of it after I
ruined my exams and my relationship went to pot during a suspected hypo episode
earlier in the year. He put me on citalopram (ive been on it 6 weeks now – a
lowered dose for the past two) which sent me on a total high – this ended up in
an overdose, multiple SH episodes, me not sleeping for a week, extreme paranoia and anxiety and hallucinations. Not to mention the
extreme irritability which resulted in me attempting to cut an itch out of my
arm. Citalopram made me want to die at one point.
My GP promised me it wouldnt set off a manic episode, as I informed him that I had a bad reaction to fluoxetine a few year back – another relationship breakdown after I was
physically violent towards him, a week of pure depression where my dad had to
book a week off work to look after me because I wanted to die – followed by 9
months of a high in which I started preaching to god, believed that God was
inside me, started my own business (which totally flopped), got in a load of
debt, quitting therapy, didnt sleep, was high on life and also resulted in me
becoming a mother. I was only on fluoxetine for 2 months.
I had a non -medicated high about a year or so before that where i ended up jetting off to
another country for 4 months, in which the high mood swings got so out of
control I used to have blackouts and wake up covered in cuts and bruises. I woke
up one morning in the bathroom in a pool of my own blood and I still to this day
cant remember how it happened – all I know is how estatic abou tlife I was about
12 hours before the incident. I came back to england 4 months later leaving my
friend paying for the house contract (it was for a year) and picking up the rest
of my pieces, all because there was a party in england I wanted to go to. Theres
much more to this, I had severe mood swings in school but I wont drag it on even
Anyway – my GP has passed off the fact that the antidepressants are
making me want to die – told me im depressed, and prescribed me sertraline! Im
at my wits end going back and fourth trying to get someone to listen to me and I
dont know what else to do. I dont want to be here today. I feel like its going
to take a hospital admission to get people to take me seriously and im trying to
avoid that at all costs, my daughter needs me.
……I saw a different GP two weeks ago who listened to me (i mentioned the bipolar thing and he nodded in agreement and we had a chat about the medication, id only been on it for a few weeks) and he lowered my citalopram dose from 20mg to 10mg. Ive asked to see him everyday this week but hes been unavailable, so I went back to the initial GP as the hallucinations were making me desperate and miserable.
I do believe im on the up again, as i keep getting burts of hypersexual urges and other symptoms, and my mood scale is rising steadily but getting a bit messy… ive had to mark 7-8’s and 3’s on the same day because im confused about my symptoms at present – i do believe its the medication messing it up for me. Its like im cycling faster than usual and its confusing the hell out of me. Its all mixed up. I need this to be controlled and I need someone to listen to me NOW because im afraid if it gets worse im going to end up in hospital or dead. I do not believe im in the depression anymore (what i was put on citalopram for 6 weeks ago)- even though I have the fog and the anxiety and on and off bursts of tiredness, it seems like a total other realm that im in at the moment.