Down in the dumps

Currently in bed, with a book in which I am relying on to lift me up after my mood significantly crashed to rock bottom this evening.

I feel like crap. Worst of all I was at the inlaws when it happened – I suddenly shot up, that bad anxious nervous energy rising in me. I got my coat on, mumbled something about getting fresh air and paced up and down the garden, pressured to vocalise my chatty mind that wasnt even able to produce any speech that made sense, it was all ‘se bah ven cah to’ blah blah bullshit again.

I should have predicted it from the outbursts of mixed up words that morning. “Kut the pettle on” – this has been a clear indicator the past few months that my mind just wasn’t functioning properly, I’m either stuttering or jumbling words up.

It got to 15 minutes of pacing and P came out and asked me to come inside as they were ‘asking questions.’ I couldn’t sit down, I was eating my tea at the table trying to tame the urge not to mumble or get out of my seat. So it was the irriatable foot shaking, humming and tapping again. I must have looked like a right loon.

45 minutes later my mood sank and now here I am, not wanting to shower, or sleep,  just lying here praying for a stable day tomorrow.

I really need to make that GP appointment again. I cancelled last week even though I was for a med review because I was feeling great, and was even in the ‘I’m going to tell my T i dont need him anymore now’ frame of mind. What an idiot. I do this all the time. I hate how my mood reflects my state of mind, always picking up the pieces from my contrasting decision making. Especially recently, my mood chart is such a mess right now. I’m up and down quicker in a matter of days.

I dont want to take my meds tonight 😦

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