Tonight’s session was an interesting one, and came at exactly the right time.
Due to my mood totally sinking since Sunday afternoon, my risk score was up from being at baseline the past few weeks and my ‘well-being’ score had changed too. The first thing he asked me was “Have you made plans to end your life?”
Ermmm… Yes, but not intentionally.
I told him about the manic/dissociation ‘switch’ that occurred as a result from some bad news last week, when i was feeling high anyway. Good energy turned in to bad energy, i lost control of it, i blacked out. I explained that these impulsive thoughts that i have (and the actions i have carried out in the past) i feel are out of my control, and its not me who is thinking them and making these decisions that lead to my behaviour.
This has happened a few times in the past, not necessarily when i’d been feeling down, but more of when i’d had the ‘energy’. The blackouts are always a result of when that energy turns bad. I know if someone wasnt there i’d have either taken a handful of pills, drank myself silly, self-harmed or ran out of the door in to the night and gotten up to all sorts of shit. I know this because it has happened SO many times in the past. Its just scary that its not me who controls my thoughts or behaviour when that bad energy gets its suffocating grip around my neck.
He pushed me to really pressure my GP for that assessment, and the session made me feel so much better and stronger about it all as its like i finally have a confirmation that this is not normal behaviour i have been dealing with for the past ten years. I finally have someone behind me, to back me up when my mind fails me. He believes in me, and thats what i’ve needed all along.
He made me think about how lucky i am to have my whole family (and friends) supporting me, guiding me and just being there for me when i fall. I got home and it was like someone had taken the knife out of my stomach and stopped torturing me with it – a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders and that black dog who had been gnawing at me since sunday had been tamed. Well, when i say tamed, it is still there, that dark hole is still there – but i have recognised that i have a whole support system around me to make me believe i can handle it enough to get by.
I told him about the Sertraline, that i’d stayed clear of reading up on the side effects and that i believed that it may just be making me cycle faster – instead of having seasons with my moods, it seems like I am having a week/days or ups and downs, with two days maximum of stability in between. Which is a good thing in which they dont last long, but in the context of jumping from one extreme to the other much faster makes the crash seem harder and more intense.
The suicide urges, the self injury and the pill popping have been put on hold for tonight, and i’m forever grateful for the people around me for that.
Until the next boom.