I’m stable.

So I finally feel like i’m at a stable 5 on the mood chart… and what a difference I feel.

My memory is better. I’m not as distracted – I can watch a film or catch up on tv that i’ve missed over the past weeks without getting up out of my seat or not being able to concentrate enough on what is going on.  My social skills have seemed to pick up – I went to a party on Saturday night and for the first time in what feels like months. I felt comfortable – with the people around me, and in myself.

Talking to people I don’t know, no anxiety or paranoia, dancing and enjoying myself with a few of the people I really love. I trusted myself to drink and I got home at a nice time and didn’t over do it. I never thought i’d get there this quick – not this year anyway, however I know not to get ahead of myself because this could only last a day or two the way the Sertraline has been influencing my cycles. I’ll try to enjoy it for the time being.

I haven’t napped in two days – although I was tired yesterday. Today has been fine, no drowsiness, no putting my daughter to bed and feeling too exhausted to move. It’s refreshing. Funny how contradictory my energy levels are whether i’m up or down, the same goes for my cognitive functioning. My appetite is still very low, I have to admit I’ve been struggling to eat, but i’ve managed.

I’m not overthinking things for a change.

What I’m still dealing with is the hallucinations – the auditory ones only lasted two days, but the visual ones seem more significant and present. They are only minor, but i’ve experienced peripheral disturbances every day since they began last Wednesday.

I finally gave in to the Sertraline side effects (I didn’t read them all as adviced by the councellor, just had a route around on the web to see if visual disturbances are common) and it turns out there are quite alot of similar posts (particularly amongst Bipolar patients) on medication/mental health forums which have confirmed my suspicions – these hallucinations I have been experiencing could very well be medication induced. I’m feeling alot more comfortable with them now, they dont bother me as much, but I do find myself questoning whether things I see/hear are real sometimes. They often are, so I need to stop doing that to myself.

With the amount of risky side effects that have arisen in myself and other patients I have spoken to the past few months, its a wonder how GP’s are so happy handed to prescribe these SSRI antidepressants on a whim, without looking in to patient history or getting a second opinion by a psychiatrist. My GP had no idea about the terrible experience I had on fluoxetine, until I explained to him why I refused them straight up after the attempt to prescribe then to me. I went in to request councelling, which for me has done me more good than the medication has at dealing with my issues, in fact, the two different SSRI’s I have tried over the summer have made my mood episodes worse and even sent me in to psychosis. The only reason why I went back two weeks later to take my GP up on the medication offer was because the depressive episode I was in at the time was crippling, and I needed a quick fix.

Not the ‘fix’ I was hoping to gain. I’m not fixed. I’m more fragmented than when I fell sick at the beginning of the year.

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