After a battle of conflict in my mind this morning about whether to cancel the doctors appointment I had forgotten about (“I’m feeling great, who needs a doctor anyway!” – one of those again), I dragged my arse to the GP.

I told her I was feeling well, no need for sleeping up to 16 hours a day anymore, productive and very satisfied with life. And then I had to be honest.

“I’m too high at night times to settle down to sleep.”

When the energy levels go up, apparently its a concern for worry against the Bipolar clan… she cut my medication dose!

Due to the bad summer depressions I got put on 50mg Sertraline in an attempt to lift my spirits a bit (update – Fluoxetine had me preaching to God, Celexa sent me bat shit crazy). The assessment psych explained to me that 50mg was more of a ‘tester’ dose – most people with unipolar depression have their dose increased when it takes effect. GP told me today that SSRI’s can be a real problem with people who are as sensitive to them as I am, she looked to see if there was such thing as a 25mg but 50 is the lowest dose they produce. So we are going to try one on, one off.

My first thoughts –

1. I’m really enjoying my little high, it feels good to finally feel again.

2. Why the hell am I on medication anyway when I feel absolutely fine?

… and then I snapped out of the naivity and sternly told myself that i’m feeling fine because i’m having my brain chemistry manipulated.

As good as I feel, maybe its wise I listen to her on this one. The hallucinations have started up again and I can feel a little paranoia creeping in. Coffee is affecting me wayyy more than it should be as well, and i’m getting my obsession with horror films back again.

Breathe Megan, take a step back before it gets uncontrollable again.

The last time I felt this ‘up’ I went for the knife and the pills and had another blackout. My psych is doing a home visit on Sunday i’m going to have to request for him to keep an eye out on me.

It’s incredible how much insight this blogging malarkey gives you, what a perfect way to gather my messy mind.


One thought on “Modification.

  1. “what a perfect way to gather my messy mind” — Indeed! That’s why I do it, for sure. I struggle with the same things you are right now. When we are manic, or even hypomanic, or even on the verge of being so, it’s easy to convince ourselves we don’t need treatment anymore. Having been there and done that countless times, and still doing it from time to time, I just shake my head and wonder if this part of it will ever go away. Cheers to you for continuing to find help!

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