After a battle of conflict in my mind this morning about whether to cancel the doctors appointment I had forgotten about (“I’m feeling great, who needs a doctor anyway!” – one of those again), I dragged my arse to the GP.
I told her I was feeling well, no need for sleeping up to 16 hours a day anymore, productive and very satisfied with life. And then I had to be honest.
“I’m too high at night times to settle down to sleep.”
When the energy levels go up, apparently its a concern for worry against the Bipolar clan… she cut my medication dose!
Due to the bad summer depressions I got put on 50mg Sertraline in an attempt to lift my spirits a bit (update – Fluoxetine had me preaching to God, Celexa sent me bat shit crazy). The assessment psych explained to me that 50mg was more of a ‘tester’ dose – most people with unipolar depression have their dose increased when it takes effect. GP told me today that SSRI’s can be a real problem with people who are as sensitive to them as I am, she looked to see if there was such thing as a 25mg but 50 is the lowest dose they produce. So we are going to try one on, one off.
My first thoughts –
1. I’m really enjoying my little high, it feels good to finally feel again.
2. Why the hell am I on medication anyway when I feel absolutely fine?
… and then I snapped out of the naivity and sternly told myself that i’m feeling fine because i’m having my brain chemistry manipulated.
As good as I feel, maybe its wise I listen to her on this one. The hallucinations have started up again and I can feel a little paranoia creeping in. Coffee is affecting me wayyy more than it should be as well, and i’m getting my obsession with horror films back again.
Breathe Megan, take a step back before it gets uncontrollable again.
The last time I felt this ‘up’ I went for the knife and the pills and had another blackout. My psych is doing a home visit on Sunday i’m going to have to request for him to keep an eye out on me.
It’s incredible how much insight this blogging malarkey gives you, what a perfect way to gather my messy mind.