I’ve had the hardest time this week. The wolf is back.
For the second time this year my sex drive is sky high and on the verge of being out of control. I’ve put off this post for a while, but it’s about time I start admitting to myself that sometimes my behaviour is disorderly as a concequence of the irrepressible emotions that build up inside. Theres no doubt I have the off episode that somehow manages to channel itself in to sexual energy, it doesn’t become a want anymore, it becomes a need.
Due to the research found on the fluctuation in sex drive being a symptom of the bipolar illness, P has now begun to understand exactly why I get the way I do.
The drive for me is so intense that its enough to take over my mind and completely change who I am as a person – my actions and personality is unrecognisable. When the high promiscuity becomes uncontrollable I am agressive, manipulative, controlling and my inhibitions are non-existant. If I don’t manage to achieve what I want I become at risk to myself, the self harm turns bad – i’d do anything just to let something out, even if means being violent towards myself.
I hate to say it but i’m ashamed of how i’ve hurt others in the past, and how I have disrespected myself. Little things that didn’t seem so bad at the time have now built up and are eating away at me. It makes me feel like the kind, considerate and caring person I’ve always thought myself to be is a nasty horrible being.
The things i’ve put P through in the past – the wolf has threatened him, caused arguments, hurt him, been violent and physically restraining him without even a hint of compassion. It’s all a game to the wolf, she wants to play and there is only one winner. Physical – dare I say it – rape, towards someone you love is as serious as it gets. He’s been hurt, and I have to suffer the concequences of my actions when my emotions are out of control.
This week, however much i’ve managed not to let that wolf destroy my life, I am concerned that its on the brink of being let off its leash. Multiple passes towards P per day (which have continued despite of him letting me have my way as much as he can physically manage) have escalated towards the point in which he can’t keep up with my demands and its crossed in to the danger zone. I’m indulging in fantasies that I cannot get out of, they stop me functioning throughout the day and have stopped me from getting to sleep at night (I’m averaging about 5 hours a night now). I have discovered the online world is my friend – the dating profiles have started up again, I have spent hours on end each night trying to find men to unleash her on. The urge to go out – the urge to pursue, is getting too much for me to handle. I think about the concequences of who I have been in the past – either i’ve been hurt or somebody else has. It needs to stop, or else I’m going to end up hating myself.
I’m surprised I have managed to stay faithful for the 5 and a half years of my relationship with P lasted – even though the risk is always there, he somehow manages to ground me. I’ve still managed to get myself in situations, near misses, stripping off in a room full of strangers, waking up completely undressed in a bed next to someone I barely know, with no recollection of the mad night out i’d had before. The excitement gets to much for me to handle, and I’m afraid i’m going to spoil everything i’ve ever worked for.
It’s the wolfs attitute towards situations when shes awake that terrifies me the most. When shes out on the prowl it doesn’t matter if she’s single or taken, it doesnt matter who gets hurt, if shes putting herself at risk or if shes disrespecting herself or giving herself a reputation. She’s used. Shes had multiple partners in one night. She’s swapped partners in the middle of an act. She’s pursued friends, friends interests and disrespected friends parents beds. She’s had sex at work. She’s had sex in a room full of people. She’s been watched, without a care in the world. She’s been dragged away by concerned friends from a known rapist. She’s attempted to cheat. She’s never used protection. She’s suffered the concequences of not using protection.
She’s willingly let someone else suffer the concequences of her not using protection, fully aware of what she was doing.
I know, when shes out, that I play dangerous games not just with others but with myself too. I don’t think about the reprecussions of my actions. They are non existant in my world when that drive takes over. I think i’m becoming to realise that this issue can only be adressed by admittance of the past mistakes and secrets I’ve held inside, not only hiding them from the world but hiding them from myself. Awareness is my first step in that journey towards beginning to understand, and fix, the sensitive soul inside of me. The soul that feels everything that little bit too intensely.
As for tonight, I believe a mixture of guilt, shame and release has already managed to tame the wolf roaring to get out inside.