So my body is now acting like ;
1. It hasn’t only had 3 hours of broken sleep the night before.
2. It’s not recovering from a hellish stomach virus that suddenly struck over the weekend.
3. It hasn’t been dosed up with sleeping pills and co-codemol for the last 24 hours – (Note to self: Stop self-medicating).
I laid awake all last night wondering if I was going to be tired in the morning and planning a spontaneous trip to France. As soon as my bank balance is out of the minus zone and the two phone bill debts are paid off i’m off out of here for a weekend, it’s long overdue.
But nope, I wasn’t tired today, just hungry. No need for the usual nap. Tried to chill out with a bath, sleeping pills and getting my head down early tonight but nope, it just resulted in me messing about, making pizza, eating pizza and writing posts. And now it’s coming on 11pm and the probability of another restless night like last night is increasing by the hour.
So what is this? I tracked my mood at about a 5 today, everything was fine, nothing overexciting but not in a low mood either. But I somehow have unlimited energy and i’m shying away from even wanting to go to sleep. Is this a result of the Sertraline that i’m on? It is a Bipolar thing? I’ve had this before countless times over the past – am I just noticing it more on an account of the mess that has been this year?
Am I overthinking things?
Probably, yes. And this could be the way it is for the time being, watching and tracking my every symptom, digging myself deeper in to the Bipolar cave until I just don’t have a clue if I’m heading left or right anymore.
As much as I feel like I don’t need sleep right now (or ever again! – Oh look, Superwoman is back!), I’m still in my right mind enough to know that I genuinely value any sleep that I get these days (be that 3 hours a night or 16 hours per day), and this slow recovery process means that I need to do everything I can to respect the doctors orders and get back in to a healthy rest routine.
I hope these sleeping tablets kick in soon. I remember the sedative effects they had on my body last night, how I was laid in the dark whilst the valerian took over… but somehow my mind was over active and the hallucinations started up again (i’m getting one or two mild ones per day now, if any) and started to become quite vivid. So me and my mind amused ourselves with the strange lights and entertaining shadows dancing around the room for a good part of an hour.
Sometimes I feel like the less sleep I get, the more I can take on the world – whereas the more I have a full night and nap during the day the less I seem to be able to function during the day. What if this is the way my body is supposed to run?
It’s a funny little world.