Firstly, my apologies for the blogging running dry the past week – reasons why to follow.
Last weekend after a nice controlled night of drinking, I went to bed late and missed my med dose.
What repercussions such a little pill can have! Give or take a few days afterwards I experienced an extreme dip in my mood, which I have to admit not only did I not expect it but had a double whammy of gullibility; I never even realised what was going on and I genuinely thought the world was shit and I couldn’t carry on with life.
It was only a few days later when my mood stabilised again and I realised the significant drop on the mood chart was clearly an after effect of the big fat red cross marked on the med section. Fool.
What makes it even more foolish? I did exactly the same thing this weekend. Cue dark 48 hours ahead.
It’s funny how a change in mood can completely flip your whole world in to an ashy grey one-dimensional plane to simply breathe in. How your perspective of literally everything reverses – suddenly the dream job I had landed the week before turned in to a horrifying experience of living deep in the depths of anxiety – enough to demand a locked room with the curtains drawn for the day. A nice safe haven I called ‘bed’ in which I burrowed in to like it was the only thing that was keeping me alive. Not only was holding it together in the present difficult but looking in to the future had all of a sudden become unbearable. Then yet again, I was back to square one, and I thought it would last forever.
Two days later I was back to my happy, coping self.
So this week, as I patiently wait for the boom I am finding new ways to make the inevitable – bearable. Making plans with friends (which undoubtedly I will want to cancel), tweaking my sleep pattern and and warning people in advance. I plan to try and look after myself no matter how hard it gets, and keep that perspective this time around. I am setting up camp. Maybe it will work, maybe it wont. But for once, its nice to have a bit of predictability about my mood swings which gives me that little bit more strength in me to fight it.
… Even if it only lasts 48 hours!