I just wanted to post the latest ‘Confession.’ Mainly to myself.
I’ve clearly been in denial about my hypomanic stage at the moment. I haven’t filled my mood chart in since the beginning of the week. I think I’ve been kidding myself that everything is… stable. My libido is clearly getting out of hand, I’m still not sleeping and I’m still constantly fantasising my days away. I want – I need to go out and party all the time. Making plans left, right and centre – I’m seeking fun and some trouble. I need trouble. The urge to go all out and let her loose is getting extreme now.To say how bad my anxiety and fear was over getting back on the road again – now I’ve caught myself getting cocky with it, I have to remind myself not to speed everywhere because that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m acting like I’ve been driving for twenty years when in reality, I’ve hardly got any road experience as it is.
I’m self medicating this anxiety away with anything I can find – alcohol, sleeping tablets to calm it down, co-codamol in an attempt to numb that awful wriggling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I made a trip to the doctors in a desperate attempt for my GP to prescribe me some diazepam or something the other night, just to T-total this anxiety. I didn’t realise it was so late, reception had all packed up for the weekend so I will just have to stay patient until Monday. The bouts of anxiety have become more and more vicious, making me want to Self-harm it all away. I know that’s the only thing that works. The sleeping tablets will have to do for now.
I know I shouldn’t be doing this, especially not with the pills due to a past history of addiction, but I just cannot help myself. I do not care for the consequences, they are non existent in my own indulgent bubble I have encased myself in. Its a state of mind – a whole different world I don’t ever want to wake up from. It’s all a game to her you see. It feels ever so familiar.
My last counselling session on Tuesday – I’m finally free from therapy for the time being. They have left me to my own accord. I’ll be fine. I didn’t mention that I’m needing to unleash this side of myself to him, because he would have tried to stop me. Nobody needs to know.
I’m a total train wreck of self-destruction.
And I feel invincible.