Okay, after a week or two (or three? can’t remember what the hell I’ve been up to!) I finally hold my hands up and admit to myself that I’m hypomanic.
I think the stress of the build up to Christmas and the excitement of the new year has set me off. Here’s the list.
The past however many weeks has consisted of…
- A four day bender
- Being barred from my local
- Not napping during the day (big thing for me!)
- Struggling to get to sleep at night – apart from with help of handfuls of co-codamol and whatever else I could find to knock me out for a few hours
- Borrowing and spending money like crazy (usually on nights out, the rest – I don’t have a clue)
- Being a lying and manipulative little cow to get my own way
- Making more plans with friends than I have spare time
- Risky, overconfident driving
- Uh-oh! The sexual predator has been out again!
- Generally over confident and cocky about everything I’m doing
- No feelings of empathy or guilt towards others, whatsoever
- Switching my phone off at night and not returning home until 7am
- Skipped meds (expecting another boom shortly, bleugh)
- Feeling invincible
- Uncontrollable bouts of laughter
- Not being able to concentrate on what I’m watching on tv/what others are saying
- Interrupting others and talking wayyy too much about things I shouldn’t be
- Fantasising my days away due to racing thoughts
- Having hallucinations and peripheral disturbances again
- Total over consumption of caffeine
- Vicious anxiety that can only be eliminated through self-medicating
- Forgetting to eat for 24 hours (Seriously though? who does that?)
- Self injury urges
- Dissociation (octopus arms have made an appearance on two separate occasions)
and the last one of course….
- Contacting my doctor/Psychiatrist is the last thing on my mind, because they will take my Wolf away from me. And I need her right now.
Yes, there’s no denying now that I am not well at the moment, but at the same time, I need this. I need to have this release for a while because it feels so good.
Does anyone else out there feel the same? Like our doctors are trying to medicate us from being 100% ourselves? I feel free for the first time in ages and I want to keep going, but I know in the back of my mind I have some awareness that my actions could have consequences not only on myself, but on others too.
Do I care?
The only thing that’s bugging me is the dissociation and the other psychotic symptoms. It’s not nice freaking out because you look down at your abnormally elongated arms which have gone numb, and as a result you cant seem to relax with these strange limbs beside you that don’t feel like your own. The paranoia that comes with it can be crippling. Nor is it nice when your laid in bed and your whole body disappears in to thin air.
So yes apart from that, and the fact I can feel a crash coming on, I don’t want her to go away. I need her to stay. She hasn’t finished playing yet.
But I think I know in the back of my mind that The Wolf won’t want to stop playing until she ruins some aspect of my life.