So a week and a half after my ‘incident’ i’m finally ready to talk about it.
So my mood sank. Slowly enough to not realise I was slipping, then hard enough to know full well i’d fallen and I couldn’t see a way out of this one.
The week before, i’d wanted to spend a lot of time by myself. I was running baths constantly in the evening, listening to mellow music at bedtime and being lost in thought for hours on end. I was getting tired, I should have clicked from my drop in energy but it somehow managed to sneak up on me. By Saturday anxiety took hold. I spent the evening inside, I was too tired for any social events. Then it made sense; I was in for a long week ahead.
At the same time, A family member passed away and I had the pleasure of attending my first ever funeral (a different matter). A child’s funeral. 4 days old to be precise. That week, I switched my phone off, stayed in bed and tried to sleep it off. I stopped contact with people. I was getting up to 13 hours sleep a day, sleeping through alarms, struggling through the day to stay awake, trying to find the meaning of life again. Horrible, horrible depression. I sank.
I got that low and tired I’d totally forgot that I needed to book a doctors appointment to renew my med prescription. But no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t pick up the phone. It took all my strength to attempt to speak to the receptionist over the phone to book in to see my GP…And strength was just something I was too exhausted to keep hold of. I barely managed to dial the number then I pressed the end call button. Two days later when I ran out of Sertraline, I panicked and tried renewing my prescription online.
Cry for help
The following Friday I was at total loss. 3 days withdrawal smack bang in the middle of a solid depression. A bottomless pit. Anxiety attacks every other hour. Self harm on the brain. Suicide ideation. I finally gave in and cried for help. I knew it wasn’t real, it was just my mood, I knew it would pass but it got unbearable. Knowing The Boy’s nan had just passed away, I knew I couldn’t have demanded much from him with his heart broken and his family in pieces around him. I asked him for a hug. He flipped. Called me selfish, denied me a hug when I needed it most. Burst in to tears, grieving. And blamed me for not being there for him. You always make it about you, he said.
I tried to pack my bags and leave that night. But I was too tired. I crawled to bed and didn’t wake up until 13 hours later..
Hallucinations, anxiety attacks, migraine, fever, cold sweats, exhaustion. Impending feeing of… doom.
I tried to get up and ready but I was empty. I tried to focus on the world and it was just… thinking was hard – it was like I couldn’t focus my thoughts, they were skipping like a broken record and nothing was sinking in. My brain was jumping at everything my mind tried to make sense of – it hurt .I couldn’t recognise people, my cognition was way off the mark. I was scared and I wanted to die. So I went in to urgent care.
They were good with me. Took me to a quiet room to be alone. I got seen almost immediately. The boy was worried, and somewhat a little embarrassed to be there. It all came out, the suicidal urges, the stealing of prescriptions and dependency on the codeine i’d been abusing for months. They decided to get me seen by a mental health team because they didn’t want to send me home to an empty house of 50+ pills to damage myself with. I got referred to a different hospital a drive away, and taken in to the hands of another assessor. The usual protocol – full mental health screening, family history this that and the other. Got me an emergency prescription, a social worker on my case to check upon me for the next few weeks and referred back to the access and crisis team at my local mental health facility, and back in to the care of a psychiatrist. They’d only let me go a couple of months ago – to roam free and face the world on my own. Totally failed that one didn’t I. Wont be even less funnier when they find out about my manic journey over the Christmas period…
I’m looking forward to meeting my new doctor.