It all got a little too much for me last night. The anxiety, the intense urges… It got until 1am and I was dosed up with codeine which just wasn’t producing the same calming effect as usual. So i let myself indulge in a rather controlled act of release just to et me through the next few days.
The quickest and most effective way to release that tension and euphoria in to my system. And my sweet GOD had I missed the sharp sweet sting and outburst of relief as I dragged a razor blade across my skin on the inside of my arm.
Its purely an addiction. I don’t possess intense hatred towards myself anymore and I do use it as an act of punishment. I have come to terms with who I am and I have made friends with me. I know that I am worth more than to inflict pain on myself for revenge purposes. Nope, it was because I needed it. It’s my spiracle of comfort an I forgive myself for allowing it to happen, I admitted it to The Boy immediately (after I’d come down from my self inflicted high of course – much to his disgust and disappointment), and I booked myself a GP appointment to let them know I was back there whilst I wait for the real docs to see me.
I am not ashamed this time. It was needed, and I let myself have my own way for once. Girl has to hive herself a break from being strong once in a blue moon.
I’m just glad it didn’t build up enough to have one of my blackouts.
Megan = 1, Bipolar emotions = Nil.