Control.

Where about on the line in the past few months did I let this slip?

I want – I need – to regain my control back over my life, as currently it seems my emotions are living my life for me. Making my decisions for me, ultimately leading to self-destruction. And what’s worse is, I’m letting this happen.

When did I become a big softie, and what degraded me to have so little self-esteem?

I’ve relapsed again with the pills and the self-harm. I know that I’m worth more than to hurt myself and delay my progress. If I’m not careful, I am going to ruin my life.

In addition to the latter, I’m letting people around me control me. Easily lead, always have been, it’s a major character flaw. But it’s still all down to the personal decision process. Do I let people lead me on and influence me? Yes. Do I have to fall for this? No… No I do not.

I think it’s time to turn this around. Close my eyes and think about what I want in life, what my short and long term goals are and fight. Make peace with myself, befriend the enemy. Be clever. Be quick. Be kind to myself. Look up to the stars more, realise how much of a tiny proportion of insignificance my life and my issues are compared to the universe itself and what really matters. This is my life and I’m fed up of being hurt, by myself and by others around me. Regain that control, take the drivers seat and step it up a notch.

Make my own decisions. Stop caring about matters that don’t give anything back in return. I don’t have to be self-destructive and I don’t have to be in pain. What do I want out of the time I’ve been blessed with on this Earth? Stop caring about what others want – that’s their problem. Be realistic. Fall in love with my own personal reality; not with the mere idea of fantasy. Don’t get caught up.

What an impact a tiny spark of self-respect can have.

I  believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You  can also stop and say, ‘No, I won’t do it, I won’t behave his way anymore. I’m  lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of  behaving,’ and then you do it. – Leo  Buscaglia

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One thought on “Control.

  1. “Be kind to myself. Look up to the stars more, realise how much of a tiny proportion of insignificance my life and my issues are compared to the universe itself and what really matters.” Yes, yes, yes. Self-compassion and common humanity will get you through. Maybe look into getting into a DBT class, if there is one in your area, so you can learn to surf your emotions and not act (cut, use pills, alcohol, etc.). Sometimes the best thing we can do is sit and be with ourselves, and not judge the thoughts or feelings we are having. It sounds simple and it sounds hard. It does work. You can get better, and you will. It sounds like you are feeling very motivated. Addiction is a very tough thing to get through, but it CAN get better and it sounds like you do realize that. Virtual hugs your way!

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