Smile.

Today, was a good day.

I had a great weekend. I felt that little bit of sunshine in my heart again. I hate the fact that it never lasts, but for the time being, i’m going to cherish it.

I had a bad one last week with anxiety, of all things. There was a few situations I got myself in to that set it off (maybe another time, when i’m brave enough…) and I ended up seeing my GP and practically begging her to prescribe me something for anxiety.

Due to the fact that my anxiety feels physical, she suggested I tried Propranolol (a hypertension med) for the time being. I can pop one when I want to – we also agreed together on raising the Sertraline to nip this Black Dog in the backside. I didn’t want to risk increasing from 50mg to 100mg so I’m staying safe with 75mg for now (we don’t want another higher episode do we now??).

I’m not sure about the anxiety, but I’m definitely feeling a little bit more awesome this week. Even The Boy has noticed. He said he thinks I’m in the ‘green’ (safe) zone on my chart for the first time in a while. That’s probably the first time he’s gone to check how my states are. He mentioned that he wants to keep an eye on them and that he’s beginning to get familiar with how the illness works. Identification is key, and all that.

I’m loving work.

I’ll rephrase that.

I’m totally falling in love with work. I’m on my third week now. I’m beginning to feel like me again. Independent. Strong. Important. It’s been a while. It’s helping me on my journey to make peace with myself and be my own best friend again.

My scars are healing. I till feel the need to ‘cut the anxious energy out’, but I’m resisting and keeping busy with work helps. I know that panic will set in though when they start to heal and they slowly begin to disappear… For some reason I have always struggled with them fading. It’s like my marks are my comfort blanket and I don’t feel safe without them there. It’s funny. But only the healing hands of time will tell how I deal with that one.

I think i’m starting to feel the  withdrawal symptoms easing off from the codeine too. It must have been about three week since I last took one (not by choice, i’d run out of the stuff one night). So maybe if I ever come across the opportunity to take them again, I’ll resist. If i’m being honest with myself… there’s no need to have them in my body. I’m even starting to feel better without. But again, i’ll take that as another test of willpower when the time comes.

There’s one more thing… I have been avoiding blogging about a particular topic for a while because of the shame which it brought upon me when it all first started up. I know I need to get it out, let it off my chest, out of my thoughts…

I need to ADMIT what I’m doing.

But I’m not brave enough just yet.

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