Mixed Episode (part 2).

They let me go. Walk away free to my own choice deciding whether to live or die, with only a promise of another Psych referral. No med change. No change at all.

Anxiety has been tearing me apart this week. It is splitting my heart in two. And its all down to The Event. The Event is something I have avoided writing about because I’m just too ashamed to own up to some of my actions. I’ll get there eventually and make that first step. The Event broke my heart, and it hurt. It still hurt. It hurts to think, to breathe and it even pains me in my sleep. So what did I do to get through it?

I stepped away from the sharp objects and the drugs and the bad habits. I didn’t give in to the urge to put my foot down when I was in the car. I didn’t turn on myself and punish the inner me like I would have done in the past, no. I got strong.

I’m stll struggling with the agitation, the anxiety, the bad thoughts, but that’s all part of the disorder. I am not letting this define me as a person. I am not going to let my emotions control me over and over again, no matter how much they bite. I make my own decision, it is me who makes the choices around here. And I decided to turn this bad energy and work with it – channel it in to something greater and productive. I’m exercising again, I’m reading again, I’m concentrating on work. I’m committing to Hypnotherapy every night to help me sleep (desperate bid I know, but it hasn’t failed me for the past 5 nights!) and to help me turn this around and building up on my character, looking after myself more, growing as a human being. I am changing, because I am fed up of dealing with this bullshit that controls me, negative people around me that control me and society that holds me back from being the real me. I am conscious of who I am, and aware that it is me who is behind the steering wheel. And I am deciding not to be hurt no more. For the first time in a long time, I am concentrating on me.

I am hurting. So bad. I am so hurt and its unbearable, but it will get easier.

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have left.

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