I took some.
I know it’s no Codeine, so you can understand my confusion whether to call this an actual ‘relapse’ or not, but it’s an Opiate nonetheless.
For a brief update, I have a slight past history of painkiller addiction and overdose, the recent one being a bad spell from last December to February this year (codeine). It’s something I struggle with, and first started when I was about 18 and battling my first ever serious attempt to quit self harming… But silly old me ended up cross addicting with boxes and boxes of painkillers per week in aid to control the urges (without realising anything was wrong – surprisingly easily done!).
So when I had the headache from hell after work today and my mum offered me a packet of Tramadol – I took without even thinking straight.
I admitted it to The Boy. He was proud of me for having the courage to tell him; control measure in aid of the temptation of me hiding that I had them and taking as many as I wanted. Then I promised I wouldn’t take anymore tonight and this was just a minor setback.
No more headache. But I have had a rush of pure warmth, relaxation and ecstasy running through my veins and for the first time since ‘The Event’… My anxiety has gone. It’s been minimal before, but I’m always fighting it off (kind of like a ‘do or die’ doing everything in my might to stay positive and carry on going, because if I didn’t I don’t even think if bother seeking medical attention next time the suicidal urges kicked in). And it’s SO good not to have to fight it… I know now in the back of my mind that those drugs are there, waiting for me, and when that vicious anxiety comes slamming back in to my heart and crippling me, there’s a magic little pill that will shut it down entirely.
I know I’m strong willed enough to fight off the temptation, however what is frightening me is whether I actually care enough to even attempt to resist.