That’s what I have been, hands down on the table, been labelled as. What a bitter pill to swallow.
I’ve really messed up this year. My goal to be stable by the end of 2013 and to start this year afresh has totally failed me. I have failed myself.
I went to my outpatient follow up appointment Saturday afternoon and admitted that I was on the painkillers again. I gave up and admitted I needed help, that I needed someone to walk along side of me to assist me with weaning off them. I can’t do this by myself, the withdrawal is just too hard. I take them to escape from the anxiety, the negative energy, the agitation, to calm down when i’m too hyperactive…. just to make all of these symptoms worse in the long run. I am going around in circles with it and each one is pulling me in deeper. I’m self medicating, as I do with everything. It’s such a bad habit that I have never been able to break free from.
The most damaging thing about all this is that I don’t even want to quit. The feeling I gain from abusing prescription pillsis worth the temporarily escape from the harsh reality of my disorder.
I have been referred to The Community Drug Team to discuss a treatment programme.
God damn those Opiates.