Denial.

I had my addiction assessment this week.

Much to my surprise and probably for the first time since I got involved with the Mental Health system, I got treated like an adult. There was no pressure to quit or go on any detox programmes, no pressure in to talking therapies or substitute prescriptions, and best of all, no lectures.

I didn’t get treated like that naughty school kid who is dabbling about with substances for the fun of it – and for the first time I got to see it as it was. I am an adult with a serious dependency who wants to find a way out. And they was there to simply guide me in the right direction.

It was refreshing. The action plan is to wean me off within about a month or two, pop me on either suboxone or methadone (frightening to say it has close links with heroin) and that should slowly ease the withdrawal. I explained to them that i’d honestly rather die than experience the anxiety I was suffering through back before the opiates numbed it for me. And so we are tying everything in with the access and crisis team at my local hospital (where i’m getting help for the Bipolar side of things) and anxiety management should hopefully run smoothly along side of the detox. The anxiety management I have to admit I’m highly sceptical about. I do not believe that it is going to totally eradicate the anxiety. Its too vicious. The hypnotherapy, positive thinking, changing thoughts, distraction techniques that I put myself through weeks ago certainly lessened it with time, but it never went away. I’ve made my choice – I don’t want to put up with it and its as simple as that. I’ve suffered to much in the past year due to it.

I know it’s normal to doubt yourself when planning to change your bad habits, but the majority of myself believes that I won’t give it up. I’m enjoying this too much – even with the sickness; which is occurring almost every day now, I have waves of nausea, the odd over the toilet bowl incident where I have to bring my last meal up to feel relief from it, and light headedness. I have read that when Tramadol interacts with Sertraline it can be potentially toxic. I’m poisoning myself. The lack of appetite, I just can’t be bothered to make a meal, sit down and eat it. I’m getting increasingly tired – I believe this may be chemically induced as I do increase my intake to get myself to sleep at night. And the isolation – I need that me time, to be alone and embrace my high. My relationships are suffering from it…

But the anxiety is non existent. I’m not feeling… anything. I’m having a break from those intense emotions and it feeds me exactly what I need. Its just everything else has to suffer as a consequence of my actions. I think I might just need that little extra push to realise that what I am doing is not worth it. A little voice to convince me otherwise. I don’t feel ready yet. I want to shut the door, draw the curtains and tell the world to leave me alone. Leave me with my pills, they are my friends and we are doing fine.

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2 thoughts on “Denial.

  1. I’m glad you are seeking help. As will be repeated time and time again, admitting there is a problem is the first step. I understand where you’re coming from about not wanting to feel any anxiety, like, none at all. For me, it’s just not realistic. I’ve learned to manage my anxiety, though — it can be done. Maybe checking to see if there is a DBT resource in your area would be helpful. They can provide you with many tools that will be useful as you give up the pills you are taking to cope. I hope, for your sake, that you rail against the odds and make it through. The best advice I can give you is to pick yourself up off the floor each and every time you take a step backwards, and get back on the horse. And that’s my take on it, sorry if it got too pep-talkie…I just care. 😀

  2. I’m in the exact same boat as you with the anxiety. When I use, it is non-existent, but every other aspect of my life suffers. I got a call yesterday saying that rehab have a bed for me so I can now go to detox on the 29th of this month. I’m terrified but I know deep down that this is my one chance of being free from this hell. I think if you can, you should try to do the same. Fill out all the paperwork like I did and decide at the end of it what you want to do, at least if you say yes then you’ve already sorted everything out. I’ve heard this saying before but it hasn’t hit home until now, “you’ve got to want something more than you want substances.”

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