This afternoon, I casually walked in to my next counselling session honestly believing that the whole hour was going to be a complete waste of time. Again, I was proved wrong.
This Friday, I went out and got wasted. Not just for no reason at all, it was the night of my daughter’s 3rd birthday (and she was sleeping at her Dad’s that night), so I thought a glass of wine or two was appropriate. But somewhere amongst the mist of my rather innocent celebratory tipple was that little guy I couldn’t ignore raising it’s ugly voice at me appearing out of no where saying “FUCK IT.”
As a result of the concequences, I skipped a med yet again (and so close to the huge crash I had two week back), and spent the day half paralysed and throwing up on a day in which I knew I had to take my little girl out to enjoy for her birthday. Serious parenting fail right there.
I then spent Sunday on the couch all teary eyed and tired, and moody with The Boy the following evening as a mini crash had hit as a result of the med skip.
It’s been quite a while since the irresponsible, spontaneous and downright innapropriate little part of me made an appearance and I was confused as to why. I was supposed to be the steady headed independant lady now, what had happened to me?
Jan asked me today if there was something in me that made me want to jepordise my hard work on purpose – i know i’m not supposed to go out drinking as it is (as my ‘pledge’ to Narcotics Anonymous), and the last time i skipped meds i spent a week and a half suffering for it – i was so desperate i’d never do it again.
Then, as I suspected she would, she brought up the topic that had weaved it’s way in to my life again quite recently…
“Are you still taking Codeine?”
Fuuuuccccckkkk, she caught me out. I had to be honest.
“Yes, but only now and again..”
“How often? Once a week?”
Shit. Once a night.
“Maybe one every few days…” (Denial, hmm I wonder what that’s a sure sign of?)
I explained to her that the only reason I could think of why I took it was because it comforted me. Like a big warm hug. I didn’t need to take it, I just ‘allowed’ myself to because I’m not back in that place anymore and there is a bit of give… besides. I have been ignoring that little voice of responsibility and resoning and not even letting her have a word in. The stronger voice in my head is going “TAKE IT.”
Fast forward to the second part of the session.
My weight has been a huge issue for me the past month and it is all down to the evil that is Quetiapine. I have pile a huge 2 stone on to my skinny frame over the summer – half of it being when I increased my med dose from 200-400mg. So when Jan asked me how my meds were going, I totally had forgotten up until that moment to mention something quite important.
“I’ve reduced them.”
“Reduced them by what amount?”
“I’ve reduced them to 200mg. I feel fine.”
Then she sat down with me and totally flipped my whole messy perception of the past two weeks. She made me draw a timeline of events that have recently happened.
“You are taking codeine again. You spent the past week suffering with terrible anxiety that had you begging the doctors for something to ease it. Your rage has been this huge thing that you have been struggling with, and that unlike you. You purposefully go out drinking when you shouldnt have, and miss a med dose when you only quite recently have suffered with the concequences of your last one but you don’t seem phased. In fact, you are sat here smiling about it… and you can’t understand why?”
“Do you think all of this has something to do with ‘feeling fine’ about reducing your meds by half?”
In that moment of realisation, a faint howl cried in the background. Could it possibly be that my med reduction is slowly undoing the taming of my Wolf I have kept chained up for the past 6 months? And why is she making an appearance now? Did I have a taste of her when I was ill the other week after the huge crash I had due to not taking my meds for to nights in a row? Is she manipulating me with her sly ways, by giving me a taste of the manic lifestyle I have embarked upon with her before?
I explained to Jan the whole ‘Wolf’ – she’s that huge part of me that wants to get naughty – she’s a temptress in disguise, the games she plays when the sun goes down. The lives she ruins. How invincible I feel when I let her out to play. No inhibitions, no social barriers, the driver who likes to play dirty. The Wolf, my mania. I have locked her up all these months and my medication has quietened her, and now she’s seeping through the cracks and reminding me how fun she is… how alive I feel when I’m running beside her.
Jan reminded me that I have a choice. I will have this choice to make, these lifestyle choices. Am I doing the right thing my myself if I’m revealing my raw self by dropping down the medication curtain… if im tempting her addictive nature by reaching for the prescription drugs… that i’m giving her that sweet taste back by wanting to drink at the weekend… I’ve woken her up, she is stirring and she wants to get in to trouble. I have built my life back up, I have a solid network of friends, my career growing in front of me, my precious daughter, a new home, a stable mind, a special person in my life to share it with….
It’s me who has got to decide now if the temptation of running off in to the night is worth risking a potentially normal life.