As a person who sufferes with depression, anxiety, even with the mania symptoms, that is the one question that pushes me in and makes me feel so alone.
My anxiety is bad tonight.
I’m feeling low
I can’t switch my mind off
………………I dont f*****g know.
It’s like the other people (who care for you don’t get me wrong) are trying to make an excuse up for themselves to understand, as they have no idea of the internal thunderstorm that you hold. They can’t mentally make sense out of it, they are human beings after all, and we as humans have some raw curiosity that strives for us to place an understanding on everything.
My anxiety is bad tonight
-“Why? What are you worried about?”
I’m feeling low
-“Why? What’s happened? There must be something bothering you.”
I can’t switch my mind off.
-“Why? What are you over thinking?”
I am not worried about everything, nothing has happened and yes, I’m overthinking everything and I can’t control it. But the question Why is irrelevant in my situation because it doesn’t exist.
It’s infuriating, and I know my friends and family are only trying to help but what will help even more will be accepting that when I say “There is no reason why this is happening” really means this…
There is no reason why this is happening.
So I retreat into myself, in to my little protective shell and push everyone around me because this internal storm is just it. It’s internal. It automatically makes me feel like a black sheep in a field of white. Everyones bouncing off me, because they cannot get inside.
People crowd around you and try to think of a solution to a problem that you don’t even have.
And it just aggrivates the problem that you do have. The problem being – something is happening. I have no idea why this is happening.
I feel very much this that black sheep this week.