WHY.

As a person who sufferes with depression, anxiety, even with the mania symptoms, that is the one question that pushes me in and makes me feel so alone.

My anxiety is bad tonight.

-“Why?”

I’m feeling low

-“Why?”

I can’t switch my mind off

-“Why?”

………………I dont f*****g know.

It’s like the other people (who care for you don’t get me wrong) are trying to make an excuse up for themselves to understand, as they have no idea of the internal thunderstorm that you hold. They can’t mentally make sense out of it, they are human beings after all, and we as humans have some raw curiosity that strives for us to place an understanding on everything.

My anxiety is bad tonight

-“Why? What are you worried about?”

I’m feeling low

-“Why? What’s happened? There must be something bothering you.”

I can’t switch my mind off.

-“Why? What are you over thinking?”

I am not worried about everything, nothing has happened and yes, I’m overthinking everything and I can’t control it. But the question Why is irrelevant in my situation because it doesn’t exist.

It’s infuriating, and I know my friends and family are only trying to help but what will help even more will be accepting that when I say “There is no reason why this is happening” really means this…

There is no reason why this is happening.

So I retreat into myself, in to my little protective shell and push everyone around me because this internal storm is just it. It’s internal. It automatically makes me feel like a black sheep in a field of white. Everyones bouncing off me, because they cannot get inside.

 

Depression.

People crowd around you and try to think of a solution to a problem that you don’t even have.

And it just aggrivates the problem that you do have. The problem being – something is happening. I have no idea why this is happening.

 

I feel very much this that black sheep this week.

 

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11 thoughts on “WHY.

  1. A great post – I have asked my self the exact same questions and I have no answers either
    all I can say is hubby is back at work = so perhaps loneliness has something to do with how I feel today
    stop trying to work out why and just accept today for what it is = worrying about it really wong help – I know because its what I do and I find the dark whole seems to get deeper or darker and harder to climb from
    H x

  2. Reblogged this on James the Greatest and commented:
    FUCKING HELL PEOPLE. stop asking what we have to be depressed about or telling us about how worse others have it. reasons like THESE are why some of us don’t fucking reach out to you!!

      • funnily enough, just tonight I had one of my really bad (though generally less common) social anxiety fits. when boyfriend and I left crowded location to go to less crowded one, we asked about potential crowd at new location, and even asked about bringing in small food product purchased at previous location. employee very kind, but somewhat curious. when we explained we left other place because of my anxiety, she just, “okay, no problem”, and let us bring in the food. was very refreshing, honestly.

  3. Would you rather be completely alone in the world with not a soul to reach out to and have nobody ever ask how you are or why? The grass is certainly not greener there. I consider you lucky to have people who care about your welfare even if they can be frustrating at times or not quite understand. It’s really not their fault they are mere “normal” people.

    Sorry you are having a hard time 😦

  4. Unfortunately, you can’t do much. That’s the way Das Man community works.
    They will always try to remove your “sickness” and bring you back to the flock (of course, only the people who care some way, others will try to make fun of you and hate you without a reason… well, there is a reason, but it’s deep inside their flock principals and they can’t reach it mentally). They will never understand that you are something out of order because their limited minds just can’t assimilate it, and you can’t help them anyway… and should not.
    They expect you to be part of them by default – appurtenance by birth, and will never forgive you for the difference.
    Is it a gift or a curse, i don’t know, but for 18 years, i’m really tired to be such a being – full of hate to the humanity and their stupid predefined life order in the period birth – death, leaving you dependant, with no chance for uniqueness, lonely, without even a touch with something like me, feeling older than i am. It’s not a depression anymore, more like misanthropic, nihilistic & melancholic condition, but i remember the old days and the dark thoughts so clearly.

  5. Why? used to be my favorite question. I would write it on everything, papers, walls, shoes, hands. Seemed like the walls would come caving in around me, and everything was wrong.. I don’t ask it near as much anymore. But it’s always in the back of my head.

    • rubyslippers ❤ ❤ ❤ it will always be there. I may scorn people for asking me that question all the time, but I bet even I ask myself 'Why' more times than outsiders do!
      Sometimes it is easier to just try and let it go and just be.

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