My period was 5 days late.
And I do believe what added more fuel to my freak out, was that I had taken a test out of curiosity 2 weeks before when I was supposedly ‘ovulating’ because I was experiencing unusual cramps.
I’m not pregnant, I came on eventually (even if it was alarmingly ‘late’ – probably due to sickness, i’d been ill that week which made it all seem that little bit more suspicious –) but the last few days didn’t half make me think about life, my own current choices and my decisions for the future. I even ended up shutting N out in the process, when all he wanted to do was be there and support me.
I’d never wanted another child after I’d had my own daughter. The traumatic experience that was the birth (and the following weeks after), had totally solidified that decision for me. I just didn’t feel like I was made to be a mother.
Being pregnant with Lo and having her in my life has been the most beautiful and reshaping experience of my world as I once knew it. She is my solid core, my anchor, the one being that made me eventually realize that I had a purpose in life. Even if my mind wonders sometimes, I feel lost and disorientated, she is the one who eventually makes me know for certain, that I had never left in the first place.
I was in the Park the park with her the other day, with a friend who is still in that blissful ‘new mommy’ stage of parenthood. The sun had started to finally break out from the clouds after frozen away from the long winter we are beginning to leave behind us. The light across the hills of the Pennines peaking over our little village made it look Green for the first time in months. New light, new season, new hope. It made me feel sad.
Suddenly I was reminiscing of the life I left behind. The life I had gambled and lost, when I had it all figured out. My old house, mortgaged and secured, just up the road from the park. When Lola was at her peak of her first year of life, soaking in all of her new surroundings around her, excited by her first ride on the swings. Her little toothy grin and her flushed cheeks, her little pink beret. Her podgy arms reaching out to me, needing me. Fresh morning forest walks, we used to walk for hours, when she was taking her first steps I’d take her out of the pram and let her explore. Picking up leaves and acorns (and eventually putting them in her mouth). Picnics by the canal. Our challenging attempts to feed the ducks with her shoving every piece of bread in her mouth that she could lay her chubby fingers on. Planning dinners, stopping off at the local shops to buy fresh vegetables every day and heading off home for her nap whilst I prepped a nice hearty family dinner for when daddy got home. Bath and bed times, as a family. Putting her in her cot and watching her fall sleep so peacefully. We had done everything right, and she had the most incredible start to life. You could tell how content she was just by watching her fall asleep. So safe.
I had it all. And then I had it all taken away from me.
It breaks my heart how my life has changed so much and in the process I feel so disconnected as a mother. I feel like I’m not there as much as I owe it to her and I don’t know what happened in the process. My weeks now begin by her being at her Dad’s, whilst I got up for my 5.30am starts, and returning home, alone, around 7-8am in the evening and preparing for it all over again. Sometimes I don’t come home. I am M – the 25 year old Research Scientist trying to find her way in her career. I am not a mother.
What have I become, that the majority of my time is spent trying to earn money, thinking about my silly mood issues, and disconnecting myself from the one thing that she needs me to be? Just because my life has changed doesn’t mean I have to give myself up as a person.
“Life is hard. Just try not to lose yourself in the process.”
I have thrown myself in to my new life the past year (I can’t believe it has been a whole 12 months) believing that I didn’t want the whole family thing. I do. I really do. I want the house and the security and a partner who dotes on me, and to be healthy. I want a family, not just me and Lola but maybe even more little ones to look forward to. I want to do friggin washing every day, and slaving away over the stove every night and paying bills. I want bills! I never thought I’d say that but I want to sit down every month with my partner and have serious discussions about ‘finances’.
I want my old life back what I was working towards. I just had the wrong person in it to live it with.
I don’t just owe it to myself to I owe it to my daughter, and I owe it to N, not to shut them out anymore. I’m so harsh on him too. I’m CONSTANTLY trying to prove a point – I am M and I do not trust, I am independent and I am my own person who doesn’t need a man, or anyone else for that matter. I am always trying to test if he deserves me or not. And every time I distrust him, or turn him away, he always comes back and makes me realize that maybe it’s me who doesn’t deserve him. How can I love somebody, anybody, if I don’t let them fully in and give them a chance?
It’s funny how one simple happening such as a pregnancy scare can open your eyes and completely turn your whole perception on it’s side. I really do hope good things for this year. I just need to be willing to let them happen to me.