I have been extremely tight about how much I ‘let out’ during my last relationship. I hold Pandora’s box in the back of my mind, the lid shut tight, too afraid of what it all might mean if I do let it all out. I’m slowly building up to writing a post about it, getting all the memories out on paper and questioning my thoughts about it all.
I have had a terrible weekend. The ex is stirring trouble yet again. It doesn’t matter how many times I have tried to make peace with my past and sail through my life as of now, the tide always catches me off guard, grasping me by the ankles and pulling me under.
I speak to friends about the hurt he has caused. They know i have been hurt. They just don’t know the extent of it all. This poisonous person I have in my life, who I have tried to leave behind is still trying to exert his control over me by manipulation, meddling and hurtful words. This time, I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’ve known it all along, even when he was part of my life it was there, cowering in the shadows of my subconscious. He just beat all the self-esteem out of me to say it out loud to myself.
This time, I will not believe his harmful words, he will not pull me under and I will not let my fear of him stop me from being the good person I have become.
“You are WRONG.”
“You WILL respect me.”
“You should NOT.”
Power. He has thrown these words at me and instead of them soaking in like they always did, they are beginning to bounce off me. No. I will not tolerate this
man, Boy who cowardly uses hurtful words to try and pursue his control over me. I dropped my shackles a long time ago and they are now rusty old chains from the past.
I have a past of me saying to myself “Write about it. Every single thing that he has wronged you by. Admit it. Admit it for what it was.”
Then I imagine my fury busting out from my memory in to words and I freeze. I stop myself because I cannot mentally go back there. Why can’t I write about it? Where is this fear coming from? A fear of him finding out? A fear of people not believing me? A fear of me realizing it wasn’t all as bad as I was making it out to be?
“You are WRONG Megan. You are WRONG.”