Progress?

My blessings for today are;

  • I got paid, therefore I actually managed to have a full three meals for a change. Also, my petrol tank is full.
  • It was a very productive day, I got lots of things ticked off my work list. The rest of what I need to do before I leave seem manageable in the time frame I have.
  • People have been rude to me today, and I have shaken it off my shoulders, like a boss, instead of letting it affect me.
  • I may have bagged myself a 3 month internship. Whether I can afford to be working full time for less than I earn currently on a part time contract is another matter, for another time.
  • I am looking forward to a nice relaxing evening with The Boy and his family, without worrying about all that things I need to do. A peaceful night, with lots of cuddles. Just what I need.
  • I feel…..okay.

I guess I will still have the bad days, nothing changes overnight. But for now I am going to try and appreciate the bit of fuel I possess for my fire.

I feel the increase of a reasoning to myself, in which the majority of my repressed mood may be to the internal fear that I will be leaving work by the end of next week. Looking back over the past, most of my ‘relapses’ have been due to a change in circumstances which have incurred a lack of security. For example;

  1. When I left high school when I was 16, depression set in pretty hard. I was medicated and sent to counselling for the first time.
  2. When I left college, a year later, I had an extreme surge in mania which lead me to move to Cyprus (with no money). I ended up back home a few months later due to the inability to look after myself. This stage of my life lead me to some of the most vivid blackouts (see Blackouts post). It was back to therapy for me where I was diagnosed initially with Borderline Personality Disorder.
  3. When I started college at A-level I struggled bad with depression and was in psychotherapy for self-injury and pro-plus addiction. I briefly remember being somewhat up and down during the duration of the two years. I was also put on Prozac and had my first ‘religious delusion’ (that I can recall… my friends have mentioned something about a religious spell in high school, I cannot remember this!). Then came the ‘God put me on this earth to be a Mother…and that’s when the baby obsession kicked in.
  4. Having My daughter during my second year of Uni. The change, yet again, set off mania (and a very welcomed episode of mania). I ended up excelling all of my exams in her first weeks, whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and revising during the night until my alarm went off to get up the next morning. On no sleep. Superwoman.
  5. When I left uni and fell unemployed, I went in to a deep depression. We tried three types of anti-depressants. They all sent me manic. I started blog. My adversity to the drugs finally got me diagnosed with Bipolar type 2.

Out of a job, in a job, having a baby, leaving education etc. Change is hard for many people, but it all seems to trigger off my pivotal points of episodes for me. Then again, it’s known that life changes commonly do set off mood episodes (I think I came across that in the DSM for BP somewhere??) Am I really that sensitive??

Work grounds me. It gives me a sense of fulfilment, and one that I’m frightened to lose. I feel it in me sometimes, working part time when I am at work and productive during the first half of the week I usually feel great. When I’m at home the last half my mood dips. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around, where people get excited and giddy for the weekend coming around?!

Noting down the daily blessings I hope to keep up. At least that’s a start, having some sort of a plan. Let’s just hope it triggers the rest of my motivation to get up and go that’s somewhat died off in me.

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