I am totally going to contradict my last post ‘Lonely Hours’ I made in December now..
I do believe i’m slowly going insane with loneliness. Not just that but a fear that I am wasting my twenties away is creeping in.
I turn 26 this month. 26 years old on Valentine’s Day to be precise.
I have always loved birthdays. Always happy to have celebrated turning that year older and feel the sense of maturity and ‘grown-uppiness’ to give me some additional purpose as I march ahead on this journey called Life. So why all of a sudden am I looking back in regret, rather than looking forward to the unlimited posibilities of the unwritten unknown?
What I see, as my life unbalances and tips over to the other side of the twenties, is that i’m looking back in to an empty space of, well.. not a lot. Excluding having my beautiful daughter when I was 21 of course, and graduating when I was 23 – what have I done to show for it? I can feel a shift in maturity where I have to cautiously plan for the future now – organising my monthly bills and paying them on time, keeping an eye on my credit rating (this all of a sudden seems to be one of the most high priority things on my list at the moment), preparing to save up for a mortgage – even the creeping thought that I need to now be on the look out for expensive eye creams and up the game on my skin care routine as the first few wrinkles are making their appearences. When did the fun 20’s turn in to the serious ‘prep for your 30’s’?
I see the young girl I used to be get replaced by the younger generation of girls, girls who don’t necessarily have to continuously chase a good credit rating, who still live with their parents, have high incomings and minimal outgoings with their biggest daily worries involve which shade of MAC lipstick to commit to in the morning.
I am afraid to say, however it needs to be said, that I am developing regrets of wasting away my youth. Regrets that are telling me that I should have put love second, I should have spent my time chasing money, being more carefree, making more memories and building my empire.
Something needs to change. I’m sick of feeling lonely. Ever since I started working from home (and even though I really need the isolation sometimes) I spend my working time on my own, and my evening’s alone when my daughter goes to bed. The Boy works away, and we don’t live together so my time is occupied two nights a week yes, but for him to arrive after work to mine at 7pm and to just leave the next morning? Well, I can’t even say he’s completely in my life. Officially, I am in a relationship. In reality? I’m in a relationship but trapped in a Single person’s world. With a single person’s mindset. And even though I have that someone special in my life who is caring and thoughful and absolutely adores me, at the end of the day when the sun goes down I am still a lone parent doing it all by myself.
I feel like I still need to reach out and meet new people, make memories and get out there in the world. I can feel a shift in the ground i’m standing on. Like the world around me is screaming to me “Lady, you are NOT done with your twenties yet. Get out there before these regrets are etched in stone.” But at the same time, i’m too scared to. I need a big injection of courage, something to remind me to go and live my life the way I deserve to live it. Something to shock my system in to running after what I really need.
I suppose having an idea of what I need is better than wondering around aimlessly lost. I have been there before many times. At least now im on the right path. It’s just up to me to start walking forward and opening my eyes up to the many pathways I can travel down.
“We only regret the chances we didn’t take…”