It is January 2017, and the new year has delivered a depression.
I woke up one morning, and my life was full of clouds. Have you ever felt the air around you grow dense, so much that it’s notibly weighty when you breath it in, almost like you was inhaling a thick glug of syrup, the feeling you get when trying to suck a milkshake through a straw? Every breath I felt today, felt just like that. My heart was bursting with it.
I looked around at my life and everything in it was covered with a sheet of that heavy air. I had my face pressed up to the tinted glass of the window, the sky and the roads and the people passing by stained by a dull grey hue, and me here trapped inside a box at a distance with the outside world doing nothing but re-filling my lungs with the same poison I was exhaling out.
It makes me wonder if it is me who is doing this to myself, or this is an actual result of some inexplicable force, something great and mighty way beyond my control and beyond any depths of understanding. We look to the skies and to the universe and we try; we try and put some logic on it all by applying the physics of what we have found, a solid mathematical calculation of why the earth rotates; why there is life here, how vast space is, the stretch and the folds of time. We are curious creatures but we have those needs, the need to apply logic to absolutely everything, the need for unshakable evidence and truth, but do not and cannot fully understand the universe and it’s infinite space, no? Maybe there is no logic behind it, there are no terms or rules we can apply to it. Have we ever thought that maybe it is just something that is not made to be understood, that in the end, that the term ‘understanding’ is purely a human creation, and that understanding for some thing which simply does not exist?
The feeling I wake up with, and which walks beside me in my life is exactly this. Maybe there is no reasoning and this is why I struggle with it so much, because we are all creatures who were made to seek out meaning.
I fear the clouds. It forces me to question everything about their presence and mine. How can I possibly be so frightened of something that I cannot physically hold in my hand? My head is straight, I know that my life exists beyond them. My life has not disappeared, I am certain of that. Happiness is beyond the clouds, and life is possible but I cannot shift them, because they have no where to go. The clouds are a burden, they are here and they block my view. Yet if I reach out to them and grasp at the clouds, I cannot contain them. You see, I have these people in my life, my friends, family, doctors who ask me to explain how I feel, and ask me why this feeling overcomes me and casts it’s shadow over my life. I can try my hardest to grab at these clouds and give them to the people in my life. The clouds that represent the sole purpose of it’s existence. But we all know what happens when you open your hands after trying to grab at a cloud don’t we? It finds me stuck here, with no understanding, trying desperately to cling on to reasoning of an entity that cannot be reasoned with.
You cannot explain that to someone when you cannot even explain it to yourself. So I am stuck here with them, floating by. I find myself stuck in time, in this never ending cycle that holds me down in my life.
They say we should learn to accept the things we cannot change, the forces in our lives that we have no control over. I cannot change the fact I have this illness, but it does not mean that this is not hard.
It is so hard.