That bad energy tightening it’s strong grip around my stomach whilst I plead and plead for it to let go, to no avail. I’m no stranger to the sensation of anxiety and I’ve struggled with it – on and off – for years.
Whilst I don’t suffer with as much social anxiety as I used to; for a long time panic attacks became just about the extent of my troubles, the type of anxiety that I’m dealing with on a week to week basis is… guilt.
Maybe that’s part of the ‘coming out’ package and the guilt is just a passenger in the journey to admitting all the things I am ashamed to admit. I’ve hurt people in the past – BAM! I’ve lied to the people who bow down at my feet – BAM! I’m still lying to myself…
I don’t want to feel this anymore. It makes me want to go back down there. It makes me want to run away, throw away everything I have ever worked for and destroy the empire I’ve been building around me. It makes me want to tear down the security net I’ve woven around me. It makes me want to be bad. My counsellor noticed I seem to have quite the self-destructive side to me, whenever things go good for me I have this demon – this Wolf – who comes out and wants to play. However, unleashing the beast comes at a price. I’ve tried to fight her off, so many times, but she come’s back. I’m slowly giving in. I want to be free to be able to act out and behave however I want without feeling overwhelmingly raided with that sickening guilt that consumes me every time I come down from my ‘everything is a good idea’ mode. I don’t want the consequences.
I want to take the easy way out.
I have my last counselling session tonight, its a follow up from how I’ve been getting on. I have too many thoughts to even begin to think clearly about what I want to blurt out of my mouth, I’m just hoping I use my last session to my advantage. Shed a bit more of that guilt, lighten the load a little bit.
So for a bit of help in preparation for tonight, here’s my admittance speech for today…
I want to be naughty and I don’t want to get caught. I want – I need that thrill -and it’s bubbling up inside me and its too strong to ignore. I’m on a journey to let go of this demon and become the kind hearted, positive and loyal person that I’m striving to be, but I’m ashamed of myself to admit that I need to unleash her first and get it all out before I can earn my wings. And the anxiety of this disturbing realisation is eating me alive.