I don’t know what is happening.

This morning I woke up super early, ready to face the day, was ready HALF AN HOUR before setting off to work time… Got to work, happy, skippy conquered my emails, picked up the phone – (?!*?? – I have extreme phone anxiety, pressure from work to call someone usually results in me getting lesser important work matters attended to whilst sidewards glancing at the horrors of my office phone for hours on end, rehearsing my telephone speech until the dramatic build up that is “Hi you have reached ‘so-so’ at ‘this company’, i’m sorry to have missed your” – PUT DOWN THE PHONE QUICK BEFORE YOU ARE FORCED TO LEAVE A VOICE MESSAGE YOU WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS) – Made a million and one phonecalls (#nobiggie), booked myself on to all the training courses my workplace had to offer, and literally completed all the stuff i’d been tactically prorastinating from the past two weeks before the second hand reached 10am.

Fast forward to me walking back to the office after a lunch break, staring at the popping colours of the last autumn leaves that were still clinging on to their life source, and indulging in the wonders of this beautiful planet. I’m great, everything is right with the world and I am awesome and my life is awesome – and I wont need to go to therapy anymore so I will just tell Jan the next time I see her that I am fixed!!

Then anxiety and self-pity moment happens = BOOM.

Now I am back in Fort Megan (my bed), unshowered, with my pajamas on my bottom half teamed up with my work top I still haven’t taken off (and will probably sleep in) with the internet as my only friend. Not because of the pity moment, no i’m over that. But a little change in the day has somehow resulted in my happy go lucky “life is tremendous, everything is GREAT, the future is in my hands!” mood and flipped it on it’s arse, leaving me hiding away from the world and everyone in it with no motivation but the will to type about how much I’m feeling sorry for myself right now.

I don’t want to take my meds and go to sleep, because that means I will wake up quicker and have to face Tuesday – which is waiting for me with responsibilities and showers. And I don’t want to shower. I want to stay here in my own stench and warmth and mess and binge on sugary things and not talk to anybody. And ignore all my dirty washing that is glaring at me to pay attention to it from the corner of the room.

I dont know what happened today. But it seems Monday has taken me through the motions.

Crawls back in to den.

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