Lonely hours.

Following my latest post in September. I originally came on here for one of those ‘New Year, New Start’ posts. Then I sat and envisioned the empty last few months of my life and realised there was some content in it’s passing.

Thus, a generic New Year post in the new year to follow…

It’s been an unexpected Winter.

Usually I prepare for the ‘seasonal fall of the Megan’ during the dark months – part partial with the Bipolar Label – when the sun hibernates from the cold it takes away a little of the fuel for mania.

It’s been fine. Absolutely fine would be an overexaggeration, there was a 7 week period of unemployment, the joys of signing on (sigh), no money for food, rent, shuffling bills around, threatening letters and having the God Damn council tax people at my door, but fine nontheless.

By the end of November I made yet another risky decision, after some sound advice from a few friends, and took the bull by the horns so to speak by registering as Self-employed. A great decision later by Team Megan and it not only paid for Christmas but got my life back on track.

So money issues swept off the table, and December breezed through. Meds are stable. Theres been a few bad days (mainly anxiety provoked) but they were tackled as trained, and the following days were held through as normal.

On a scale of 1-10, i’d say the last three months on average were at a 4.5 (with some occasional 6-7’s thrown in. I’m not depressed. I’m not exhuberant with my life. But i’m floating in the middle somewhere (this is very rare for me). The only thing about coming over the Christmas period is that I didn’t realise how isolated i’d become. I’ve hardly spoken to friends. Hardly seen to friends (apart from a few knocking on my door and forcing me out of the house when enough became enough). I have spent the majority of my time since I left my old job flying solo. But what suprises me, is that it’s been a comfortable solo. This is what I have picked up on as I have reflected back on these missing months….

I am NEVER at a steady 5. I have been in the past, but something comes along; a hangover, an argument, a change in meds, a hormone change, a change in weather, life changes, too much sleep, too little sleep, a change in diet, a bad dream, a flat tyre, whatever. Something has always affected my moods and sent me flying to one end of the polars. Not necessarily to the extreme – when I am not UP UP, I am a little up, or when I am not down in the dumps I am generally struggling with my days. I am engaging on little Rollercoasters whilst waiting in the queues for the big Rollercoasters.

I feel like, looking back I have detected that my body is finally not being pulled this way and that and I have hit the pause button on my life. Not meaning to shut people out, or not go out and enjoy myself as a symptom of depression, but enjoy the quiet time on my own…. in a good and healthy way.

I have enjoyed this. Not fighting to get what I want, not going all out to have fun, not working too hard… just being. For now. I will get back to it all when I have finished my casual floating.

For some people, just sailing by isn’t enough. Being at a 5 in their life isn’t enough. For someone like me, right here, right at this moment, being mundane in a sea of nothingness is…

Well it’s heaven.

Life is good.