Perspective.

And so it appears, the last decision my brain made today was just to give up and stop functioning altogether.

I am in that oddly awkward, surreal fog that comes around during med changes. I am now two months (?) off my antidepressants, and after a long awaited pdoc appointment have reduced my quetiapine from 300mg down to 200mg xr.

My life is slowly crumbling.

Between having so much time off work I have lost the spirit for the job itself, i am attempting to keep the mojo for job hunting as my contract expires in 6 weeks (and battling the handful of rejections that have been recently fired my way), trying to be a fully functioning mother, paying bills, handling debts, getting cuts in tax credits, trying to diet and lose this medication induced THREE STONE my body has acquired over the years, maintaining a long distance (ish) relationship with my sex drive no where to be seen (if found, please return to Megan), and trying to eliminate the thousands of fleas my cats delightfully presented my home with whilst I was away over the summer… I can safely say I am losing my mind (probably in the same place as libido).

I am torturing myself with comparatively remembering the former Megan I was 12 months ago. Loved her job. Independant lady. Committed to only herself and her daughter. Clean house. No fleas.

Apart from the physical changes, mentally I cannot decide whether I am the same person and have just shifted my perspective of my life/myself with the shift in meds, or whether reality is totally different now and I am just an ACTUAL loser who sucks at this life thing.

One thing I do know, my anxiety is back.

I want happy carefree back. I need to change my mentality somehow. Then Super Megan can handle the stressy stuff. Maybe i’m just falling apart because of all the changes that are happening financially and job wise at the minute. But last year I had changes in all areas of my life and I became said Superhero? How does that work out then?

Some wise words would be honoured.

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