A note to myself.

It’s Friday evening. Usually the weekends are the hardest to cope with, especially if it means being by myself. But tonight something is different.

I’m in my room on my bed, by myself and doing my own thing and it feels… easier. I’m enjoying this. I had a glass of wine, then I stopped. No need to have the full bottle and self soothe. One glass is enough.

The anxiety is easing off a little (again, usually a lot stronger and harder to deal with at the weekend!), and when it does come on, I feel that teensy bit stronger to be able to tackle it successfully. Whether its physically through exercise or by mentally diverting my thoughts. Somehow, it doesn’t seem as vicious, almost like it has shrunk.

I’m getting better at dealing with my bad energy. I’m tacking that before it spirals out of control in to a bad self destructive urge. It feels good not to be fighting some of the bigger demons for a change.

I’m going to complete an exercise I’ve set myself, just to let myself know how i’m truly progressing. It probably wont make sense, but i’m just going to type whatever comes in to my mind, no matter if it hurts. I have been avoiding some of my thoughts that are too painful to let out, so this has become the dedicated safe haven to release them. Apologies in advance. Just go for it Megan.

Here goes.

“This is hard. But you are doing it. You are fighting and giving 110% for the first time in years. Keep going. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. There is no need to let others influence your decision making, or control your life. Letting go is so hard, but you have to keep at it. Be strong. You are worth so much more than being someone’s second best. You made the decision to get in to trouble, you knew it would hurt eventually and you are paying the price – but so what? Everyone makes mistakes. Keep at it, forgive yourself and let it go. Step aside. Seek people in your life who are worthy of your time and your precious energy. I know you think that you will never find somebody like that but you will. Be your own best friend for the time being. You are good enough – you just have to see it for yourself before it can truly shine through to others. Let the hurt and the anxiety drive you – indulge in it, and use it. You can build your life up now from scratch and fill it with people who don’t just make you happy, but who value you as much as you value them.

You are WORTH it. Just keep going.”

That hit home hard and I let the anxiety I have been trying to mask and avoid dealing with come out. I need to let it go.