Rollercoaster.

“It seems to me like you have been on a bit of a rollercoaster the past year haven’t you, M?” – Social Worker

Sertraline has defined the term Rapid Cycling for me for sure.

We have finally decided my medication isn’t working out for me. I explained that as well as fighting off the anxiety, I have highs that last for a few days to a week where i’m skipping around like a loon, I ‘forget’ to eat, my sex drive is sky high and a bit out of control again and i’m getting next to no sleep whatsoever (1.5 hours Sunday night, followed by a 5am get up for work and not leaving work until 6pm… to get home and have 3 hours sleep the following night to get up at 5am for work… and still be full of energy!). This is followed by a major crash where I’m nodding off on my work desk/in the middle of conversations with people, napping during the day, wanting to isolate myself, moping about, sleeping through my alarm and seeing the world through that grey depressive filter. Rinse and Repeat the following week.

I’m tired. And I can’t keep going on like this forever. I think it’s time I quit pretending there isn’t anything wrong and have the ”Hmm, maybe you do need a bit of lithium in your diet’ talk with myself.

Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared that mood stabilisers are going to kill me brighter bubbly me off. I’m worried that the intense joy I feel for life will be taken away from me. They are going to take my Wolf away and I need her. Here, you can take the depressive half of me, she sucks and all she wants to do is sleep anyway. Just let me keep my Wolf.

I took a visit to the hospital at the weekend for a follow up appointment, and she seemed a bit disappointed that i’m slipping a little bit. We talked about my most latest A and E visit. And that was the appointment where they decided to take proper action.

To conclude… she ended up referring me to anxiety management and a rehab centre to discuss weaning and additional help with the addiction. Both appointments are this week. It was so embarrassing making the phone and explaining to the woman on the other end of it that I had a problem.

It was particularly hard to force the words ‘addict’ out as I believe, partially, I am still in denial.