Of losing hope, by Róisín.

“I’m not 100% sure of what’s gone on in my life, but it’s been awful really. My Dad was an alcoholic who abused me, and my Mom didn’t mean to be neglectful, but she had to work all the time because my dad refused to get a job.

When I was just starting school, she got us together and left him. Of course, I had bonded really well with my Dad. After all he only beat me because I deserved it – it took years to realise that he beat me because he was an angry drunk – so I fought so hard to spend every second with him; I was wild, I would scratch my mom and scream and throw things around my room. He got a girlfriend, things got worse; she was abusive too, and so fucked up. I was always afraid. Always.

I stopped eating, began purging. Then I started self- harming, and I was close to death. Then at 13, I got sick. But not from that…

My mom brought me to hospital, and I found out that I had a brain tumour! If I had left it any longer, they said I would have died. They thought I was so underweight because I was ill, and I thought to myself, ‘Ok, I won’t tell them, I can start over now.’ Oh silly me, huh?

​Well, skip forward two years and I tried to kill myself. Even though the wounds I made were not life threatening, they knew what I’d do if I was left alone; so they admitted me there and then. I ended up in an inpatient unit; hse run, you know, and I still to this day have nightmares about it. I don’t mean that in the ‘it was so bad, metaphorical nightmares’ kind of way, I mean literal nightmares; I wake up and I can’t move or speak. My Psychiatrist recently told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder -and wow, that just messed me up; but he’s referring me to a specialist; so maybe help is on it’s way? I’m tired right now, losing hope. I hope they can do something.”

-By Róisín.

Huge thank you to Róisín for opening up to us about her struggles, and I wish her all the best on her journey to seeking support.

Themanicyears is still looking for people to share their stories. If you have an experience with Mental Health you would like to share on here, please do not hesitate to drop me an email on themanicyears@gmail.com, and get your story published on our “Sharing Stories” feature.– M.